As we live through our existence in this world we will experience moments and events which might cause us grief, pain, suffering and distress. This could be occasioned by the loss of a person we love, or some object we had an attachment to, or even a way of life we were accustomed to. At the times of turmoil, emotion can be intensely painful, affecting all aspects of our lives and relationships. Through all these struggles we need to realize that grappling with grief, pain and hurt is normal and not something negative. The test is to develop mechanisms and tools to cope with the trauma and loss in life.
The Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam experienced many losses throughout his life and taught us that grief is real and a natural emotional response. He showed us that it is permissible to show our feelings of sadness when we lose someone or something precious. He visited Ubadah ibn Saamit radhiallahu anhu during his illness, accompanied by the Sahaba radhiallahu anhum. The Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam began to weep and on seeing this, the tears of the Sabaha radhiallahu anhum also started to flow. He remarked, “Allah Ta’ala does not punish the shedding of tears, or the grief of the heart, but punishes or grants mercy for the utterances of this,” (and he pointed to his tongue).
The challenges that life throws up take different forms. Someone might be battling a life-threatening illness, someone else is facing enormous financial challenges, while others are going through intense physical pain in wars.
First step
The first step in dealing and coming to terms with loss and setbacks is to surrender to the wisdom of Allah Ta’ala. This has two components:
- To acknowledge that all the actions of Allah Ta’ala are full of wisdom,
- And to accept these decisions.
Ibn al Jawzi rahimahullah explains it in the following way, “I have seen many foolish people venting anger at their destiny. Some of them developed weaker faith by objecting to destiny. Some have turned away from Islam because they said, ‘What use is it for a Creator who is in no need of harming us to create people then have them disintegrate after death?”
Ibn al Jawzi rahimahullah answers this by saying that it has been established that Allah Ta’ala is the owner, and the owner has the right to control what He owns as He wishes. It is also established that Allah Ta’ala is Al Hakeem (All Wise) and never acts without purpose. People are not comfortable with admitting this at times due to the fact that they notice how things are built up then taken apart in this world. In doing so, they make the mistake of comparing Allah Ta’ala’s actions to the way His creation acts. For us, tearing down something after building it is meaningless.
Ibn al Jawzi rahimahullah replies to this by stating, “How do you determine that taking something apart after building it is unwise? Was it not through the intellect and reasoning power given by the very same Creator? The question you need to then ask is, how could He give you perfect intellect yet be deprived of the same Himself?
This is the same error the devil made. He judged Allah Ta’ala’s wisdom using his own intellect. A little contemplation would have made him realise that the Creator of his intellect is Most Wise. The only thing we can conclude is to admit the limitations of our intellect and its deficiencies and say, ‘This is the action of the All Wise and we do not understand the full wisdom behind it.’
Don’t we see how delicious food is prepared and eaten with relish, and that we spend so much time and money on procuring and eating good food, yet we all know that it largely ends up as waste. We don’t object to this apparently meaningless action because we know the overall benefit of it to our bodies. So why can’t Allah Ta’ala’s actions have a hidden benefit as well that we are unaware of?
The most ignorant of people is a worker who wants to know the business secrets of his boss and how he is running and managing his business. He must accept and not object. In fact, if the only objective of something happening which we can’t comprehend and fathom was to test our submission to Allah Ta’ala, it would have been enough as a wisdom.”
Behind the scenes
At times we are exposed to the system operating behind the scenes of what’s happening in life to give us a glimpse of how the wisdom of Allah Ta’ala operates. These random samples reinforce the fact that all events and occurrences have a wisdom behind them and a reason for them to take place. Even the most outwardly horrific of situations in life have a Divine Wisdom behind them.
An Australian Tabligh Jamaat went to the South Pacific Islands to call people to Islam. On returning to Australia, the leader recounted an amazing incident. It was an hour before they returned home and the local brothers asked him to pay one more visit; this time to a gangster who ran the drug trade around the Masjid and was causing problems for people living around him. He reluctantly agreed and they knocked on the gangster’s door. At the third attempt the gangster burst out angrily. They calmed him down only for him to burst into tears. His brother emerges, joins him and also starts crying. Their mother comes out next and also starts crying. The Jamaat was perplexed and did not know what to make of this situation.
The drug dealer eventually explained that he was making a lot of money on the drugs, but his life had lost all meaning and purpose. His wife had left him taking the kids with her. Everything was falling apart around him. The night before he had decided to end his life with an overdose. He was rushed to hospital and pronounced dead. Three hours later he got out of his coma and gained consciousness. He said that he then spoke to Allah Ta’ala saying that if there was a purpose for bringing him back from the dead, He should give him a sign. He had been sitting in his house since then in dejection until the knock on the door came. He burst out ready to fight with whoever had interrupted his wait only for it to turn out to be the sign he was awaiting.
He turned his life around, started attending the Masjid and brought his drug runners with as they changed their lives for the better. The wisdom in this situation, which seemed hopeless and then turned around, can only fully be understood if one knew the story behind the scenes. The wisdom in all our life challenges is definitely there even when we don’t appreciate it.
Tough times are meant to build our faith and quality of surrender to Allah Ta’ala. Hasan al Basri rahimahullah said, “People all behave the same during good times, but they differ in how they approach the times of hardships.” Many a calamity strikes noble and good people only to increase them in surrendering to Allah Ta’ala and being content with His decisions.
A balanced approach
Ibn al Jawzi rahimahullah teaches us that we need a balanced approach to dealing with grief and trauma. He recounts how one day he attended the funeral of a youngster who was full of life and had a long future ahead of him. He noticed the attendees exaggerating in condemning life. They also condemned those who were negligent in preparing for their deaths. Ibn al Jawzi rahimahullah said, “This is true and in its place but imagine if a person knew when he was going to die. His intelligence would force him to act and be overtaken with worry about the approaching deadline. Some people overwhelmed with such thoughts end up spending their days in the wilderness away from daily life. Sound intellect on the other hand realises that the body is the ride for the soul and one must take it easy with the ride in order to reach the destination. Staying up all night and having excessive worry will harm the body. This body is delicate and if you don’t give it the necessary nourishment and rest the brain and body will suffer. If you are continuously sad your heart will become ill.
Had there not been a degree of oblivion and forgetting about death, then scholars would not have written books, and knowledge would not have been preserved because anyone who is always thinking about dying will not be productive. So, it is no surprise when people seem to forget death and times, for this is a blessing from Allah Ta’ala that helps people to go about their lives productively. Yes, forgetting about death to such a degree that one wastes time, leads a life of sin, and is unconcerned about the ultimate accountability is blameworthy. On the other hand, oblivion in the right amount is as important as adding salt to food. It is a must but if it’s too much then the food becomes inedible. This balanced forgetfulness is thus a coping mechanism.
Once we understand our approach towards turmoil in our lives, it also helps us in dealing with the horrors that others are going through. The two years of the most recent phase of the Israeli genocide of the Palestinians and the unimaginable horrors that the people of Sudan are enduring are brought into perspective.
Disbelief and denial
When tragedy first strikes, an automatic response is often disbelief and trying to deny the reality of it. The numbness we feeling is a survival mechanism, a way to cope when things feel overwhelming. Even the pious experience this emotional response. Umar radhiallahu anhu struggled with denial when the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam passed away – he said that he had not died. Later he looked back at this moment and said that nothing had come to his mind except this thought.
To deal with this, it’s helpful to acknowledge that nobody has all the answers to crisis, traumas and difficulties and most people try to do the best they can with the information they have. When you deal with denial other difficult feelings may begin to surface such as anger. To process this, understand that you are not your normal self at such a time when abnormal events are happening. Intense feelings move on and they will pass.
Guilt might also be overwhelming – this can manifest with the “if only” words. The Hadith advises us to stop such thoughts in their tracks because this opens the door for the devil to mess with our emotions, mental wellbeing and actions. Focusing on the what ifs only make trying moments more difficult to deal with. Ubaadah ibn Saamit radhiallahu anhu said to his son, “You will not get the taste of the reality of faith until you internalise that what has come your way could not have missed you, and what you missed out on could not have come to you.”
One of the strongest tools for getting to grips with losing loved ones or dealing with the horrific slaughter of babies and innocent people in wars is to visualize Paradise. Ibn al Jawzi rahimahullah says that a Muslim must not become frustrated with illness or approaching death and should try and maintain patience and a balanced equilibrium as much as possible. Death relieves a person from the stress and heavy burdens of life that he carries. Don’t feel anxious when death is mentioned for the ride (the body) dies not the rider or the souls.
Ibn al Jawzi rahimahullah acknowledges that he also feels sad at the death of a relative and imagining their bodies rotting away in the grave. He writes, “I then read the Hadith that the souls of the believers will be in a bird which sits in the trees of Paradise until Allah Ta’ala orders them to return to their owners’ bodies on the Day of Judgement.” (Muwatta) He goes on to say that the departure of the soul is towards comfort. The body is but a shell that will disintegrate so don’t think about the physical aspect. Visualise how the souls have moved to a zone of comfort and you will lessen the raw emotions of sadness that you feel. You will realise that you will soon meet up with them.
Sorrow remains because we get attached to appearances. We see a good figure disintegrating, so we feel sad. The body is not the actual person. It is only a vessel for the soul which is the person in reality and the soul does not disintegrate. Think about the joy the souls will experience and how we will soon meet up with them again. This will lessen the sadness and make things easier to come to terms with.
After the times of trauma and turmoil, we will eventually need to move on. It might require some adjustments. There will be ups and downs even once we have accepted the reality of the loss, or the pain we are experiencing, or the hardship we are going through. This is normal.
As we go into a future where we are experiencing more violent Islamophobia, more financial uncertainty and are seeing more hurt and suffering by man against his fellow man, we need to be proactive in finding ways to cope with the uncertainties. We need to offer support to others and help each other through these fleeting moments of life.
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